Changes

So why did I take a 2 year hiatus from this blog I was just starting? I don't know. Seriously. I'm not a great writer but I do feel like i have some things to share so I am going to start again. So how about a little history of the last 2 years.

I think it is true that Buddhism seems to draw people in who have looked elsewhere and found it lacking. For me I was first faced with the failure of my marriage. My wife surprised me by basically saying we were done. Or that is how I remember it. It's always different depending on the eyes that see a situation or the mouth that speaks of it. I picked up a book called When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön while looking for books on Soka Gakkai. I was hooked. It then took 2 years for my marriage to actually fall apart completely, which is where I find myself now. But this blog is only related to that, not about it so the best said directly the better. :-p

I have been self exploring Buddhism ever since. Yes I am aware that it is a hard and even treacherous path to tread alone. And I can't say that it has been easy for me. Soka Gakkai seemed so political. Pema Chödrön really inspired me but honestly Shambhala seems like a great place to find literature but between the organization itself, and all the "experts" who surround it, the obvious vast amounts of money that circulate make me leery. Oh, I am sure they are mostly good people and they have good intentions but it just worried me a little too much.

Lately I have been reading more of Noah Levine's writings, which resonate more with me than anything. Of course I am not one of the lucky ones who lives near enough to an official center to attend sessions etc but the reading is great. On a side note if you know of a group near Frederick, MD feel free to drop me a line. The DC meetings are too far.

So here I am, still on the path, still "budding" and not blooming. But maybe sharing a little as I move ahead will help me and you.

WWPCD Part 3 - WWPCD

How does a person start to live life as a Buddhist?  Yes, there is meditation.  I struggle with this.  My mind is very busy.  But I try and I find that in even 5 minutes I can usually find little 15-45 second periods when I feel present.  And some times that makes a huge difference.  Maitri, or loving kindness is another struggle.  In some ways I think I do it out of myself to well, and for myself not well enough.  In the past 6 months my compassion for people and humanity is pretty crazy, but with that compassion comes a lot of pain.  And not trying to not give yourself the option to suppress that pain, but rather open yourself to it fully and be present with it fully is very hard.  And not yet being skilled means that this pain crosses over to other things.  When that line blurs it is a struggle.

So what is my guide?  I have yet to have a real teacher. I know I need one.  But I'm not so sure I am ready for that yet.  I have expanded my Pema Chödrön books to all but her latest two, and I plan to get those next.  So as I am going through life what am I using for guidance.  It's simple really.  I play a little game with myself called "what would Pema Chödrön do?".  Of course I don't know Pema, though I would love to spend even a day just listening to her in person.  But through her writing and lectures I feel like I know how she would approach many situations in life.  I don't think I will be as content with life and firm in my Buddhism as she is for many many years, but WWPCD is a start.

So, yes, I am a learning lay Buddhist and it is a very exciting and heart opening experience.  The 4 noble truths just make so much sense to me.  And by and large Buddhism is a way of living, not controlling by fear which has always driven me from other more western traditional religions.

"Buddhism does not accept a theory of God, or a creator. According to Buddhism, one's own actions are the creator, ultimately. Some people say that, from a certain angle, Buddhism is not a religion but rather a science of mind. Religion has much involvement with faith. Sometimes it seems that there is quite a distance between a way of thinking based on faith and one entirely based on experiment, remaining skeptical. Unless you find something through investigation, you do not want to accept it as fact. From one viewpoint, Buddhism is a religion, from another viewpoint Buddhism is a science of mind and not a religion. Buddhism can be a bridge between these two sides. Therefore, with this conviction I try to have closer ties with scientists, mainly in the fields of cosmology, psychology, neurobiology and physics. In these fields there are insights to share, and to a certain extent we can work together." - Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

So this is the start of my steps in life to being more mindful.

Update Sunday, August 29th, 2010 - I wrote this almost 2 years ago and not sure why I never posted it.  It hold true today as much as if not more so then then.  I won't go in to detail in this post all the changes the last two years have brought me, but there have been many many and I hope to get to those later.  If anyone is out there reading this I wanted to make sure I posted the final part.  I promise more to follow soon.